I am a pakistani women, living in Australia since my marriage. I am a mother of a son 3+ years and a daughter who is 8 months old. I have been married for 4+ years. My husband was very loving, kind, affectionate and caring to me when I got married. I stayed with him for 7 months after my marriage then I had to go to pakistan to apply for my residency. I was pregnant then. When I was in pakistan my husband started seeing other women. He was living with a Thai girl before my marriage out of wedlock. And he had a history of his sexual relationships with women. He did not disclose any of these information to any one before I got married to him, even when I asked him about his past. So when I was in pakistan he started seeing other women. I came back to Australia with my two month old son. His behaviour was very much changed. He was not as caring as he used to be. He was not interested in me. We used to have sex once in four months on average. Since then he had a number of affairs. I always confronted him but he did not want to talk about anything at all. We have a communication gap, not from my side though. I used to talk to him about our sex life… about how much he have changed… about what he dislikes about me… about how should I change my self so that he does not have to go any where else… and about a lot of other things. But he never wanted to talk to me or discuss our issues with me.
I became pregnant again. That was the most difficult time I had spent with him. There was a feeling of betrayal all the time. He did not stop his activities instead he was not at all bothered about me. I gave birth to my daughter and we went to pakistan. I told his sisters and brothers and my mother about what he was doing. I told them about his affairs. They all tried to make him understand that what ever he was doing was not right and he promised them that he will not do anything like that again. We came back. Then just after a day he started his activities again… he even asked his girlfriend to abort her 10 week old pregnancy… he was the father of that unborn child. Since that day I feel sick inside me whenever I see my husband. The thoughts about his cheating and infidelity never leave my mind. It has been one year and six months since we had sex. My questions to you are: * If a husband and wife are not having sex for such a long time is their marriage annulled? *what should a wife do when her feelings for her husband are almost dead? *If ever he wants to have sex with me, am I allowed to say NO to him? (As he is not ashamed of what he is doing to me and he has never asked me for forgiveness) *is there any dua that can make my marriage work? That can help us to have those old feelings for each other once again? *What should I be doing in such a situation? Whatever I wrote about my husband’s affairs is not my imagination. I confronted him and he did not deny. And I have proof of all this. The only reason I am still married to him is my children. I don’t want them to be separated from their father, although nothing is left for me in this marriage as he doesn’t want to change!!! I still want him to come back to me. I will forgive him if he asks for forgiveness whole heartedly.
The situation you are in is quite unfortunate, however, placing your faith in God will insha’Allah help you persevere through the worst of times. It is never an easy task to deal with such things in life especially when one has major responsibilities such as children in their lives. No matter what always try to make the best decisions based on the reasoning and common sense God has given you. You should not allow such situations get a hold of you; by losing your self-esteem or by making you feel like your world is crumbling around you. Look towards God and He will stand beside you; stay strong. As for your questions in specific:
If a husband and wife are not having sex for such a long time is their marriage annulled?
Although sex is an important element in marriage it neither makes nor breaks the marriage contract in such a case. The interval of sexual intercourse is left up to the spouses without a limit being set either way. Thus the marriage is not annulled based on this fact.
What should a wife do when her feelings for her husband are almost dead?
This is not really a matter of religion, it is a matter that deals with the social aspects of our lives. There may be many things one could do, such as reviving what brought them together in the first place. What did your husband like about you so much that made him decide to marry you? What were the qualities that he enjoyed? Maybe it was the way you presented yourself? In reality the matter is not something that lays upon your, or any person’s, shoulder. This is a matter that both partners need to work on. So you may try your heart out to please him by beautifying yourself or trying to be something that is appealing but the fact remains that the matter should not be resolved merely on this basis. Communication is the only way that two people can truly understand what really is the matter. Then again sometimes, unfortunate as it may be, people just grow apart and one has to face this reality. It is hard, but sometimes people get married who were not right for each other all along. One should consider all these points and more to try to find a solution to the problem.
If ever he wants to have sex with me, am I allowed to say NO to him? (As he is not ashamed of what he is doing to me and he has never asked me for forgiveness)
You have every right to say “no” to him. He is committing a grave sin. Not only that but he may bring you health problems that could kill you. Not only to you have the right to reject him but you have the right to divorce him. His actions are despicable and you do not have to put up with such disgrace.
Is there any dua that can make my marriage work?That can help us to have those old feelings for each other once again?
An earnest appeal to God is the best du’a (i.e. supplication). There is no need to have any formal words, you just need to open up your heart and release what is within you to the Almighty. Speak it out if you have to. The problem here, it seems, is not merely “feelings.” It is the recognition of the husband-role and what it is to be a decent person; something your husband seems to not have realized. He has deserted you and your children and, I daresay, he has shamed himself in this world and the hereafter. Worst of all he is sowing seeds for a potential punishment unlike anything he can imagine; if he does not repent he may reap them. The matter is far worse than a bad marriage as the man has no self-respect.
What should I be doing in such a situation?
Usually the following words would be difficult to say but you have asked for my personal opinion; divorce him. Leave him and his vile lifestyle and move on with your life. He has brought himself down and is dragging you along with him. It is inevitable that your children will be immersed in his cesspool. The moral vacancy and corruption, if it does not cease, may destroy you and your family. The question is at what cost? How much time will you give him before you quit? How old will your kids be by then? If you fear them being separated from their father think of the role he is playing now. Think of what sort of model he is for them. Think how they would feel when they find out what their dad is doing. All this you must take into consideration.Too many women become desperate and feel that all hope is in maintaining a worthless relationship.
What I have written is not to sway you in any direction. They are things that sometimes people tend not to think of when dealing with such a situation. It is hard to think of these matters while trying to maintain a family bond and raising children. Think of the positives and the negatives and ask God for help in your decisions. May God give you the wisdom to choose correctly. May He ease your pain.
I hope I have clarified the issue.
God knows best.