I would very grateful if you could answer my question and as quickly as you can. You see, I am in a very emotionally depressed and difficult situation. I can’t think of anything at all except my death. I can’t think of my future or anything but at the same time I do not want to die now just in the hope that the Almighty and the All Merciful Allah allows me forgiveness for my sins.
You see a while a go i grew close to a female, the reason was that she was really depressed and suicidal and kept taking overdoses. I did not want her to kill herself and go to hell so I tried talking to her, try to make her smile and try to teach her the gravity of the sin she was about to commit.
Slowly, she developed feelings for me and when I rejected her saying that it was wrong especially because she was married she took another overdose. This really upset and worried me because I thought if she killed herself then I would be responsible for her death and would not be able to live with myself. As a result, I pretended to be her friend in the hope that the medicines she was taking would make her better and she would see sense.
I never intended nor ever wanted to have sex with her, because I too was suffering from depression I sometimes used to get upset or feel down or something that I didn’t know what to do. On a few occasions I fondled/ kissed her etc. but I never wanted to go any further because I was not prepared to commit such a sin for anyone.
You see, the problem I am writing to you about is this on one occasion she claims I entered her, I do not agree with this because I never had any intention of having sex and at the time I was wearing my clothes, although she was partially nude. She claims I entered her anus not fully just a bit and that my penis was naked, although I maintain that I was wearing my clothes and had it been exposed then I would have known.
The problem is that I have learnt that she does not have good intentions and she may be lying to me about this in the hope that I may do it with her properly in the future if I think I have done it with her once. I also think that the whole suicide/overdose may have been a drama to get close to me.
I fear Allah and regret ever meeting this person. All I tried to do was save her from hell and now I may be doomed myself.
What should I do?
I would suggest that you should try to get yourself out of the situation, without any further delay. Even if your intentions were solely to help a depressed soul, you are now, unfortunately, faced with a situation where any further efforts on your part may cost you your own soul. I, am therefore of the opinion that you should immediately stop seeing the woman and sincerely seek God’s forgiveness for the intentional or unintentional transgressions, on your part. True and sincere repentance, shall insha’Allah do away with all our mistakes and transgressions.
In this respect, I would advise you to 1) Involve yourself in any form of supererogatory (naf’l) worship, which you may feel inclined towards. The form of worship may range from offering supererogatory prayers (preferably in seclusion) or giving charity (preferably hidden) or performing Ai`tikaaf (spending a few days in seclusion, in a mosque) or `Umrah etc. This would help you rejuvenate your relationship with the Almighty and shall, Insha’Allah, be a great source of peace of mind and soul for you. The Qur’an tells us that “It is indeed the remembrance of Allah that gives tranquility and peace to the heart” (Al-Ra`d 13: 28). 2) Avoid getting into any situation, which has even the remotest of potentials of getting you involved with the woman again. This avoidance should be considered a part of your true and sincere repentance for your mistake.
I would suggest that you should not involve yourself into investigating or even thinking about whether or not there was an actual incidence of sexual intercourse between you and the woman. Neither should you try to assess her motives of coming in contact with you or of expressing her depressions to you, as these thoughts are not likely to get us anywhere.
19th April 2000