Assalamualaikum. For the 20 years that I have been on this Earth, I feel that my life has been nothing but suffering and misery. I’ve tried to see the good in my life, I’ve tried to console myself by telling me that anything bad that happens is Allah’s will and his a trial that he has given me to test my faith and belief in him and my character, I’ve tried to be positive and optimistic and see unfortunate events as lessons that help me become a better Muslim and human being, and I’ve prayed like crazy to God for mercy, forgiveness, and for him to guide and to help me and after every bad event, I’ve strengthened my belief and faith in God but I feel that I just can’t go on anymore. I’m inconsolable and so lost and I just keep waiting for God’s mercy but every time I think I hit rock bottom, I find that things get even worse. I keep praying but every time I think God has given me a way out or is helping me or is guiding me to something good, it turns out to be a horrible dead end. I’ve been abused all of my life by my parents (I love them and have forgiven them of course) and during those years my dream was all I had that kept me going and then I lost the chance to accomplish my dream, and now one by one I am losing everything that I cherish. How much longer must I keep going? I keep exalting God and begging him to forgive my sins and to have mercy on me but I just find no relief anywhere. What am I doing wrong? How can I save myself from my suicidal and depressing thoughts and when will my misfortunes end so that I can just find peace in this world and in the afterlife? I know that God gives trials to test people’s beliefs but why have mine lasted for 20 years? one bad nightmare after another? Is this a sign that God does not look upon me favorably?
First, may God shower you with His blessed mercy. May He relieve you of the internal and external struggles you are dealing with on a regular basis. There are times in our lives that feel like everything around us is suffocating to the point of hopelessness. In some cases, these are momentary though in the moment they seem insurmountable. Other circumstances tax the very core of our existence down to the soul. In fact, the ride seems like it is a unending down slope with no ascent in sight. It can be so bad that it colors our view of life; what is good seems faint and perishable. There seem to be more bad days than good days and they turn our clear minds into playgrounds for dangerous thoughts. It seems bleak but it is only because of where we stand that our view is so dismal. Once we have come to acknowledge this, it may help us on the path to recovery.
While the above is a bit of humble advice from a religious perspective, your condition should not be taken lightly. The depression you feel seems quite serious and requires a professional in that field to work with you on it. There is no amount of writing that could be done that can help you the way a professional can on a regular basis and one-on-one. From a religious standpoint, you must understand that God is merciful and does not want you to suffer. If we keep this in mind, it will help us desist from blaming Him and believing that our problems are rooted in Divine anger. What this should do is make it easier to deal with worldly matters without the weight of guilt of believing to add to the dilemma. We can ask the Almighty for help, but we also must make every effort to deal with the issues in a temporal way.Keep things in perspective and keep God close and seek His help and any other assistance needed and insha’Allah you will overcome what seems overwhelming.
I hope this helps.
God knows best.