Question
My grandmother does not like my uncle’s wife, only because my uncle chose her himself. So it is mostly because of an ego problem. Both my uncle and aunt take very good care of my grandmother. My aunt is a working woman. Whenever she buys something for her own relatives (mother, brother etc.), my grandmother creates a fuss, that my aunt is “feeding” her relatives. My uncle stands up for my aunt. He is always polite, but firm without any disrespect. Is this considered disobedience of parents?
On the other hand, the husband of one of my friends told her that in her matter, he would always prefer the parents’ orders, even if they were wrong. Please clarify if this is the extent of obedience expected from children.
In my opinion, a man is supposed to protect his family (including his wife) from all injustices. What if the injustice is in his own home? Are the parents right in forbidding a wife to work simply because she gives some gifts or money to her own relatives? By the same token, how is a wife supposed to resolve a conflict between her husband and her own mother? Is obedience of parents not applicable to a girl after she gets married? Please answer in detail, as I have seen such matters creating grave differences between husband and wife, sometimes resulting in the break-up of this sacred relationship.
Answer
Ihsan, i.e. dealing with parents in the best of manners, is a directive of the Qur’an for men as well as women. Actually, the Qur’an has directed us to not only deal with our parents in the best of manners, but also to adopt an attitude of thankfulness and gratitude toward them, for they have not only been the source of life for us, but have also been the source of sustenance for us during times when we were absolutely devoid of all abilities. Nevertheless, the Qur’an is also quite clear regarding the fact that this attitude of Ihsan and gratitude must not hinder a person from doing and saying what is just. The Qur’an clearly says:
O ye, who believe, be maintainers of justice, bearing its witness for God. Even though this goes against yourself or your parents or the near ones. (Al-Nisa 4:135)
Thus, the real duty toward one’s parents, according to the Qur’an is to have an attitude of gratefulness and to deal with them in a soft and the most appropriate manner. Indeed, such dealing sometimes becomes very difficult, for in the old age a person tends to become quite irritating and intruding. In such cases, a person should remind oneself of the great sacrifices that his parents made for him and should pray for God’s mercy on them (see: Al-Israa 17: 24).
Keeping the above explanation in perspective, let us now consider your specific questions.
There is no harm if a wife gives gifts to her parents. Such an action, on the part of the woman, is as desirable as that of a man giving gifts to his parents. Though I would consider it wiser, keeping in view the particular condition of our society, that such gifts should be given without bringing them to the knowledge of the husband’s parents. After all, why is it necessary that the husband’s mother should know about these gifts? I think not bringing it to the knowledge of the husband’s mother shall save everyone from a lot of hard feelings.
You write:
My uncle stands up for my aunt. He is always polite, but firm without any disrespect. Is this considered disobedience of parents?
The attitude of your uncle is quite commendable. May God help him in being steadfast and maintain this attitude.
You write:
On the other hand, the husband of one of my friends told her that in her matter, he would always prefer the parents’ orders, even if they were wrong. Please clarify if this is the extent of obedience expected from children.
I do not agree with the attitude of your friend’s husband. In my opinion, such an attitude is against the directives of the Qur’an. As has been clarified earlier, this is not the requirement of the Qur’an.
You ask:
Are the parents right in forbidding a wife to work simply because she gives some gifts or money to her own relatives?
No.
You ask:
… how is a wife supposed to resolve a conflict between her husband and her own mother?
In exactly the same way as a husband should resolve a conflict between his wife and his mother. Islam does not propose different standards for the two. The situation should really be seen in a social and a psychological perspective, rather than a religious one.
You ask:
Is obedience of parents not applicable to a girl after she gets married?
As stated earlier a man, as well as a woman, is directed by the Qur’an to not only deal with their parents in the best of manners, but also to adopt an attitude of thankfulness and gratitude toward them. This attitude of Ihsan and gratefulness do not imply obedience in every case, especially if the issue relates to being just or otherwise.
8th June 1999