Dear Brothers Your website has given me some hope. I am in the deepest of despair. My soul is tormented. I cannot look at myself in the mirror without disgust. Brothers I have committed the gravest of sins in this holy month of Ramadan. While intoxicated I committed adultery with a prostitute. The alcohol made me disinhibited and I could not control my urge. This is the second time I have done it, both times under the influence of alcohol. I regretted it the last time. But this time after I had done the disgusting act, I felt like tearing up my flesh with my own hands, I felt like I was burning. I have since then prayed to God Almighty, I have wept in my prayers.
I cannot sleep, I don’t want to eat or drink. The thought of that moment haunts me every second. Brothers I am a very blessed doctor, I take care of my patients but now I feel I don’t have any right to do that. Worst of all I am a very happily married man, my wife is an angel who loves me and looks after my every need, yet I did this deplorable act, I don’t understand. I have two beautiful boys who love me very much and I love them. How can I teach them what is right or wrong when I myself have committed the ultimate wrong. I am doomed, I am repenting to Allah and praying for mercy. I feel my soul and my record on this earth is scarred forever. I wish I could go back in time and undo what I did but I know I cannot.
Will my soul ever feel peace again or will it be tormented till the day I die. Will I be able to look at wife and not feel utter remorse, will I ever be able to look at my sons and not feel total despair, will I look at my patients who look up to me and not feel worthy of doing them any good. Will I ever be able to talk to my parents without shame. Brothers please help me. I have prayed and I have repented, I have resolved never to do such a thing again.
Does the fact that I was intoxicated make my sin less severe. I know I would not have done anything like that if I was sober. Brothers is there any hope for me to feel at peace or will I be walking in a tormented state forever. I also have this overwhelming urge to tell my wife my despicable behaviour but I know it will crush her innocent soul. I feel the urge to talk to someone and cry and bare my soul. I have done this to Allah in my prayers. Will this sin be ever erased from my record or do I have to live and die with it. Brothers please help me, I don’t know what to do. Please answer my question, I beg you.
May God Almighty bless you.
A tormented soul
If there is a moment to shiver and tremble in fear it is now. The guilt you have brought upon yourself is heaping sin. You have allowed yourself to stray and indulge in sin only to awake to the reality of its gravity. This path you decided to take not only may destroy your life, your children’s lives, your wife’s life and all those that it may affect but it may also cause you to earn damnation in the hereafter. I am sure you are aware and realize the damage you have incurred, however, I mention them only so that you may consider them from a person outside your perspective. Knowing what you have committed and its seriousness and feeling the way that you do is ultimately a positive thing. This intense self-reproach is the result of your soul recognizing the innate guidance it is blessed with. It is this fact that should bring you some comfort with your situation. The fact that you have felt your conscience calling to you and thereby bringing you to repentance is in of itself the first step towards amending this situation. It is the first step in a series of steps to realign oneself with God. Having repented you should know deep down in your heart that God is Most Merciful and Infinitely Forgiving. God loves us even when we betray His Guidance. He adores us. Never does God give up upon His created beings unless these created beings give up on Him and themselves. At this moment one of the worse thing you can do is believe that God will not have compassion for you. Even with this vile act you have committed there is relief in the fact that God hears your prayers and will turn to you so long as you are sincere in your heart and mind.
If your repentance is true then you should feel the confidence that God will forgive you. However, this confidence should not disillusion your reality; you committed a great sin. This sin does not only affect you but rather just about every aspect of your life. Hence, you have some major decisions to make. The basic and most obvious decisions to make are to never ever drink intoxicants again and never indulge in any sexual relationships with anyone except your wife. Your first step is repentance and it seems that you have fulfilled that, initially. However, this is an ongoing process, meaning that you need to continuously seek forgiveness. You should also find ways that help you become more spiritual. Prayer, fasting, helping the needy and recitation of the Qur’an and other good deeds can really strengthen your relationship with God. You should feed 60 poor people if you broke your fast and committed this act, if possible.
While in the process of this purification, with the help of God, you should focus on your family and seek pleasure in them. For whatever reason you seem to want to turn to the bottle but you should replace that gratification with your family life and other positive things in life. Your children’s laughter and the radiance of your wife’s smile should evoke in you thankfulness and elation enough to be complete abhorrence towards the acts you committed before. There is so much this world has to offer that we may appreciate with our livened senses why dull them partake in things that crush us? In specifically dealing with your questions, I cannot bring you the comfort by saying your sins are wiped away clean. It is only the seriousness of your heart and the earnestness of your repentance that can truly free you. God forgives the sincere.
The sin of adultery is not any less if you had committed it without the influence of alcohol. It is obvious that this occurred with some awareness on your part. Had you been unconscious then that would be a different issue. You, with your mental capacity, chose a prostitute, initiated the act, proceeded to commit the act and assumingly paid. I am sure at this point you appreciate your culpability in this matter. As for the urge you tell your wife, then maybe you should really reconsider. I am not for hiding things and keeping secrets between husband and wife, however, this may potentially destroy not only you, but her and your kids. For some the truth of it may be worth it and for others it is not. I cannot guide you regarding which path to take. Needing to free oneself by speaking to others can be healthy so long as we choose the right person. The only thing I can say about this is that a psychologist who will listen intently may be of some help. This in no way implies that I am suggesting that you have medical problems but just that it may help in relieving yourself of this matter by speaking to someone.
Lastly, I hope that you make the right decisions whatever they may be. Please do not allow yourself to fall for a mere moments pleasure. You may ruin your entire life now and in the hereafter for a negligible instance in your life.
May God forgive us all for our transgressions and may He God us upon His path.
I hope I have clarified the issue.
God knows best.